can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
