just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Randomize
