Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
