i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
