I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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