You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
