So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
