Umm I'm too high to move.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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