so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
