dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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