I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
