Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
