I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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