Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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