all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
