??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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