No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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