Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
