1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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