I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
