and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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