I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
