I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
