do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
