someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
