So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
