Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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