Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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