She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
i now understand why vodka
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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