it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
