I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
