He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
