I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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