Small penises have feelings too.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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