...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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