I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
