Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
