Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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