Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
