I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Sober January is a disaster.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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