My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
