Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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