Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
