I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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