Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
