happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
