I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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