I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're breaking my sexual little heart
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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