I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
