her vagine was all disorganized.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
