There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
