Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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