I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
