I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
Randomize
